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A bizarre and scarcely credible episode in postwar Soviet history came to light recently with the declassification of previously secret Politburo papers, outlined in a Guardian article in June 2002. It is said that Joseph Stalin, faced with an all-out propaganda war against his former allies in the west, became convinced that the Americans had one unquestionable and unbeatable advantage in the struggle for the hearts and minds of the proletariat- namely, Swing jazz!

Accordingly, a well funded and highly secret programme was developed to train a new, elite cadre of Russian swing musicians who, when finally unveiled, would consign Glenn Miller, Count Basie, Louis Jordan , Bob Wills and his like to the dustbin of history. When Chris Haigh, fiddle player, fantasist and self-styled ethnomusicologist , came upon this report, he quickly realised that, were it true, at some time there must have existed a completely new, unknown, and politically motivated sub genre of music, created with the sole purpose of overthrowing capitalism- a uniquely Soviet offshoot of 40's swing.

A boundless optimist, Haigh set off to Moscow, armed only with a Russian phrasebook and a crate of Levis, in search of any traces that may have remained of this training facility. He met with far more success than he could have dreamed of. Not only had the programme, amazingly, survived in secret until as late as 1997, but he was able to track down its final batch of elite musical Special Forces , still together, eking out a meagre living playing in a backstreet Moscow nightclub.There he found them, the hottest swinging band he had ever seen, playing to an unapreciative audience of Chechen Bricklayers, Moldavian skinheads and assorted black marketeers, most of whom were angrily demanding anything by So Solid Crew. After the show Chris introduced himself to the band who, tempted by promises of a record deal, an appearance on Top of the Pops, a council flat in Hackney and an array of generous state benefits, agreed to quit the Motherland, and head for the bright lights of London.

The rest is history!

PERSONNEL:

SERGUEI PACHNINE; Accordian, vocals, frontman and Political Commissar

You may have noticed the high standards to which this band aspires- smartly dressed, polite, well rehearsed, disciplined, and, at least at the start of the evening, sober. This is because, like all factories, farms and barracks in the Workers' Paridise, this band has its own political commissar. It is his job to keep a fatherly eye on every aspect of the behaviour of the band. A first misdemeanor is met by a friendly talking to in his office. Alas, all too often there is a second misdemeanor, but there is no second chance! A knock on the door at three in the morning, and the musician is off on an extended holiday to Siberia, never to be seen again. Such is the burdensome responibility of our respected, not to say feared, political commissar, Serguei Pachnine!

Chris's Great Grandfather,

LEON TROTSKY

CHRIS HAIGH; Fiddle, control of Vodka Supply

Ladies and Gentlemen, If you have any complaints about the authenticity of the music, the sobriety of the performers, the accuracy of the biographical information, or the sincerity of our political message, this is the man who accepts entire responsibility. Great Grandson of the revolutionary leader Leon Trotsky, he spent his early years as a leading mountaineer and glaciologist, until he was diagnosed by doctors as suffering from a severe allergy to icepicks. Disappointed, he moved into left wing politics, rapidly rising through the ranks of the British Communist Party, until he became its leader in 1992- sadly the party was disbanded the following day owing to him being the only remaining member. In despair, he took up the fiddle, with which he made rapid progress- he is now widely accepted as the finest jazz fiddle player on this stage tonight! The fiddler who fell off the roof......Chris Haigh!

BERNARD BORISOVITCH O'NYILSKI; Double Bass, debt collection

Wearing a suit and shades worth more than a collective farm in Omsk, over on the double bass is the man to see for all your documentation, investment and armament needs. He and his brothers will provide ample protection to any business, wanted or unwanted. He has supplied more concrete overcoats than Al Capone. Ladies and gentlemen, the Godfather of Bass, Boris Bernard Onyilski!

ANDREI BORISOVITCH DEWAROV;Drums

Former colonel of KGB, double agent operating under cover in Hampstead as newsagent and in Moscow as Estate Agent; mastermind of Counterintelligence Operations. The spy who came down with a cold! Andrei Borisovitch Dewarov!

ALAN BORISOVITCH DUNOV; Piano

On the seventh day, when God had finished creating the Earth, he told the angels to lay down their harps, get in some champagen and caviar, and get round to his place for a party! Did he book a disco? No! Did he book a bagpiper to play Amazing Grace? No! Did he book a gospel choir to sing Amazing Grace? No! Did he book Cliff Richard to sing Summer Holiday? No! He hired a grand piano and to play it he booked the Moscow Maestro himself, Alan Borisovitch Dunov!

STEPAN BORISOVITCH CURTISOV; Clarinet, Sax

When it comes to Klezmer, this man wrote the book! At age of eight he was touring Moldova with Count Molotov and his Flaming Cocktails; he went on to record with Bob Wilkovitch and his Tashkent Playboys, and then with Dancing Dan Cusack and his Don Cossacks. When he whips it up, it stays up! When he lays it down, it stays down! The King of Klezmer, Stepan Borisovitch Curtisov!

VIKTOR BORISOVITCH UNUKOVSKY;Guitar

We are lucky to have, on guitar, a former professor of applied hyperstitial mathematics at University of Kiev; Nobel prizewinner for pioneering work on Internal Contradictions of Quantum Mechanics. He gave up brilliant career when, incapacitated by vodka at Nobel award ceremony he was abducted by gypsies who believed him to be long lost son of Django Reinhardt. The Commissar of Cool, Victor Borisovitch Unukovsy!